The Definitive 2021 NBA Draft Name Rankings

With the passing of the sands of time comes another NBA draft season, and with another NBA draft season comes a new group of human beings that enter the public consciousness. Some of these players will go on to be household names; others will fade back into obscurity, remembered only by those of us who write stupid articles about the sports we love.

But today I’m not concerned with how great at basketball these players are, or really any characteristic about them as people. Today, I’m worried about their names. Everyone’s got one — those lovely identifiers we carry around to keep us apart from all the other schlubs in the universe. Sometimes a great name can make a player — would we remember the likes of Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, or LeBron James as fondly if they didn’t have fantastic names? Other times, a player can make a name — if I had been doing this article and alive in 1984, there’s no chance that ‘Michael Jordan’ would have been anywhere near my top 10. But before they get their chance to show their stuff on the court, I’m going to dive deep on which players have the best leg up thanks to their namesakes.

To be clear, my goal isn’t to make fun of anyone’s name, or to imply in any way that their names are reflective of their qualities as hoopers or humans. With some exceptions, most of us don’t get to choose our names — we just make the most of the ones we’ve got.

With that out of the way, let’s look at a few categories of names that did decidedly not make my list of the top five greatest names in the 2021 NBA Draft.

Long And/Or Foreign Names Aren’t Always Better

There’s a natural tendency to slide names to the top of the list based on the number of syllables alone, or by how unique and exotic they might sound or look. But while we certainly don’t penalize based on either of those factors, we’re not going to give undue credit simply because of them. A few prime examples:

Vrenz Bleijenbergh (a contender for worst name in the draft, despite the coolness of ‘Vrenz’)

Jeremiah Robinson-Earl

Trey Murphy III

Alperen Sengun

Neemas Queta

The 2K Names

There are a subset of names in every draft I refer to as the 2K Names, because they share both a (usually common) first and last name with players already in the league. As a result, they tend to sound like players auto-generated in an NBA 2K virtual draft class. Some of this year’s offenders:

Aaron Wiggins (this one is particularly bad because the name ‘Wiggins’ is already closely associated with one specific, high-profile player)

Jared Butler (this one too)

Jalen Johnson

Isaiah Jackson

Cam Thomas

Tre Mann

Greg Brown

Chris Smith

The Single Worst Name in the Draft

There’s no question. Nothing even comes close to this.

It’s David Duke.

No, he’s not that David Duke, and seeing a picture of the two quickly clears up any misconceptions. But it’s still the worst name in the draft by a long shot, albeit through no fault of its own. Sorry David.

But now let’s get to the good stuff. These are, in my estimation, the finest names in the draft.

Honourable Mentions

BJ Boston, Kentucky — Boston has some classic tools that a name scout looks for — alliteration, uniqueness, and a nickname. But sharing his name with a city and lacking a more threatening edge to his name is his undoing.

Justin Champagnie, Pittsburgh — It’s fun to say and it has a basketball connection — albeit a tangential one — that evokes celebrating in the locker room after winning a title. But an unremarkable first name and a surname that fails to evoke athleticism or prowess is ultimately Champagnie’s undoing.

Daishen Nix, G League Ignite — I don’t really have much to say about this name, I just like it.

McKinley Wright IV, Colorado — While the patronymic naming schemes in the NBA have become a bit passe in the past few years, an IV is still something to write home about, especially when it’s coupled with a wild name. Ultimately, however, this name sounds too much like a country club kid who refers to McKinley Wright III as ‘Daddy’ to pack much of a punch.

Usman Garuba, Real Madrid — His first name is shared with one of the baddest men on the planet and his last name sounds like a mythological bird. What’s not to like?

#5 — Cade Cunningham

Guard/Wing, Oklahoma State

I actually think this is merely a good, not great name, but the fact that it’s attached to the best player in the draft and the presumptive top pick makes it ten times more exciting. Names for #1 overall picks tend to vacillate between two poles. The first, far less interesting one is a very typical, boring name — names that would not be notable in any way if they didn’t belong to a supremely talented player. Anthony Edwards, Ben Simmons, and Andrew Wiggins are recent examples. The other, which I adore, is a highly unique first name with a classic last name: your Zion Williamsons, your Kyries Irving, your LeBron Jameses.

Cunningham not only fits that mold — much like the aforementioned players, he’s already being referred to simply as ‘Cade’ — he also has the alliteration factor. Also, a single syllable first name and a three syllable last name just rolls off the tongue so smoothly. Unique, alliterative, fun to say, and sounds like the main character in a sports movie — much like Cade himself, this name is a strong, safe pick with no clear downside.

#4 — Joshua Primo

Guard, Alabama

With all due respect to the native son of Toronto and one of the youngest players in the draft (he won’t celebrate his 19th birthday until the season has already begun), Joshua Primo is what we in the business of ranking names call a ‘one-name wonder’. However, there are still some fascinating things to dig into with Joshua. In my extensive research (typing the name ‘Joshua’ into Basketball Reference), I discovered that, despite there being at least 20 players — including many active ones — going by the name ‘Josh’, there has never been a ‘Joshua’ in the NBA. While the chance to bring a new name into the league, especially such a common one, is a major achievement, let’s not kid ourselves — if he commits to going by Josh Primo full-time, he’ll be challenging for the top spot on this list.

Instead, he will have to be content with merely cracking the top five off of the strength of the excellent last name ‘Primo’. He wore #11 in college, but imagine the beauty of a #1 jersey with ‘Primo’ on the back. In addition to being a great name in its own right, Primo also provides the potential for spinoff nicknames and puns, like “Josh Threemo” when he’s splashing from deep. I just thought of that! That’s the kind of creative spirit that Joshua Primo can instill in a person. But please, Mr. P, make our nation proud: switch to Josh.

#3 — Jericho Sims

Big, Texas

An element that can really bring a name to the next level is when it fits the playstyle of its wearer. Sims is a 6’10” big man with a massive wingspan, great leaping ability, and is a natural shot blocker and rebounder. I know you already thought “Walls of Jericho” to yourself as soon as you saw that there was a guy named Jericho, but even better, your thought was well-founded!

Much like J-Prim (that creative spirit at work!), Sims is letting one of his names do a lot more heavy lifting than the other when it comes to name greatness. Unlike Primo, however, Sims’ unique name is his first, rather than his last. It’s objectively better to have a unique first name, and often lends itself to you being known mononymously. You don’t even have to be a star player — if I say ‘JaVale’, you know exactly who I’m talking about. It’s not a flashy name, but that fits — unlike the historical Jericho, sturdiness is a great trait in a defensive big man. And while there’s a good chance that Sims will see his name be weaponized against him (“And Jericho goes tumbling down!”), he’s got enough juice to propel him to a top tier finish.

#2 — JT Thor

Big, Auburn

A quick rundown of facts about JT Thor:

1. His last name is Thor.
2. That’s the name of the Norse god of thunder, and a superhero
3. His last name is Thor.
4. There are roughly one billion incredibly easy basketball references and nicknames based on the name ‘Thor’. He can throw down the hammer. He can bring the thunder. He can move like lightning. These are things that people already say.
5. His first name is Jokhow, a great name he should arguably go by instead.
6. He is of South Sudanese descent and lived in Alaska for much of his childhood, including playing basketball for West Anchorage High School in the 7th and 8th grades.
7. His name is Johkow “JT” Thor.

#1 — Nah’Shon “Bones” Hyland

Guard, VCU

Wow.

I mean, let’s just run that back. Nah’Shon. “Bones”. Hyland. Where do you start with this name? There has never been a Nah’Shon in the NBA, and as far as I can tell the only major celebrity sharing the name is MMA fighter Nah-Shon Burrell. It’s a name that’s pronounceable by anyone (not that a name has to be easily pronounced by white people to be quality — Giannis Antetokounmpo went from jokes about how hard his name was to spell to being a Finals MVP), it’s original, it has an apostrophe in it — what’s not to like?

Indeed, Nah’Shon Hyland by itself would be a top five name in this draft — Hyland isn’t an incredibly original name, but there’s never been one in the NBA, and I’m on record as enjoying a unique first name with a more typical last name (see above). But then you get to that beautiful middle portion. “Bones”. Nicknames are a time-honoured tradition in the NBA, but the last 20 years have given rise to incredibly boring initial-based nicknames: KD, D-Will, et al.

Now “Bones”. That’s a nickname. And better yet, it’s a nickname that the player uses as a first name, forcing you to acknowledge it — there’s a good chance Hyland will officially be listed as Bones, much like Popeye Jones or Bam Adebayo. Then you combine that with the evocation of a scary skeleton clacking around the court. It’s got it all. If there’s one weakness to this package, it’s that there’s already an NBA player — Brent Barry — and an active big-name athlete — Jon “Bones” Jones — who can already lay claim to the nickname. But even taking that into consideration, there’s just no way you can’t call this the best name in the draft.